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im gonna eat turkey. turkey lurkey doo. with rice and cranberry sauce and adam sandler. and canded yams? uhh no never had those are they good? never haddum. how about pumpkin pie w/whip cream. never had that either... well ive had the whipped cream. youve never had pumpkin pie??? poor thing. well thanksgiving will be here soon i think. it might. u gunna put a down payment on it? im paying it in full... woah! its all mine. i saved up. all my ass pennies... hey!! that's my ass penny!! my ass penny is shiny. did you clean it? no. bet you licked it clean. it just is. chocolaty. im so hungry right now. ass pennies make u hungry. yes they certainly do. so hungry. eat meatloaf. i don't have any... although... i could take the stuff i cleaned off the ass pennies and pretend it was meatloaf. its meaty goodness for the whole family to enjoy. yes it is! ass penny? meatloaf. if you were a huge chunk of cheese.... and i ate you... would you make it so you came out like a rock? you ever walked in the bathroom after someone takes a dump and u look in the toilet... sometimes i forget to flush then i go back in for like a good "mirror looking" and ew! so then i get a fork and get to scoopin. i go and get an ice cream cone. slimy bubblin mucus crap with nuts in it. now for the shower. freeze your nuts off. that would be bad. i need them. im taking a class on how to use them. like for self defense. someone gets in my face and i just whippem out! the teacher says that whoever is in my face will probably run away. there r alot of perverts out there. he might like it and show u his. i think im going to get my money back. just carry around a piece of poop on the end of a stick. nobody likes poop in their face. i have a couple on an ice cream cone in the freezer i was saving! for only 3 installments of 49.95 you can have your own poop stick. in your freezer ice cream cone and shit.. how about poop in a taco shell hidden under your pillow? under my bed would be better. its a soft taco but late at night im going to wake up and smell everything wondering what the hell smells so bad. chocolaty goodness. i like snowballs. i like to skin them before i eat it. i do that with swiss cake rolls. and you know with lucky charms i eat all the cereal first and save the marshmallows for later. cuz they taste so good! they should make a cereal all mellows. box full of cereal marshmallows they should call it. box o mellows.im so tired.maybe i'll take a shower and go to sleep. at the same time? i wouldn't do so well doing that. i pushed a button. which one you ask? a pink one. what does the 'pink button' do you ask? makes things all fluffy. now that's a cute button. i like it. i have a blue button that makes everything smell. just everything. it also makes the grunting start. the grunting and the ass scratching. you wouldn't know. its a guy thing. ok so i think im going to get naked and take a shower. i hope i don't fall asleep between those two. ok where's soap? irish springs. hey i could sit down and someone else could wash me! that's a great idea. ok but i dont have a bath. i have a sink... so it'll be harder. there's a spray nozzle. so it's an hour to my place... i'd better call someone that has a car and tell them to start driving. what if they just have a bike? oh that's better. what if they have a flat tire though? that's ok. still works tho. as long as it has two wheels. roller blades. maybe they have roller blades. i blade all the time. i need to get someone to come with me some time. what if the wheels r missing on their skates? they'll buy a new pair then we go. would they have the money... cuz what if they just bought a new car? MY friends always have money. i like to buy things. i love to spend. my favorite thing to do with money is spend it. then they will come over on sunday and we can skate all day. even if they fall and break stuff. no they won't fall. i promise. little do i know... if i see them even thinking of falling, ill turn into superman and catch them. but don't tell anyone. it's supposed to be a secret.ok but what if they're quick with falling and breaking stuff. ooops they just fell. oh they did it again. see they're quick. are you eating crap again? ok so now im playing tag. because im lonely. in my apartment. with myself. how you ask? i run around and then hit myself in the face and yell really loud, "you're it!" then i run around again. u know what i do when im lonely? i play hide and seek. i find myself all the time. i think i cheat. and i know that cheating isn't allowed. but im a cheater, what can i say. i need to win all the time. i don't NEED to win. i just want to win. but i do need to win. no i don't. it makes feel all warm and fuzzy inside. like when i press the pink button. hairballs tho... when i get warm and fuzzy, i tend to have hairballs. someone told me that i should eat butter. cures em, i guess. that's usually the time when i start smelling something funny. why do i fart in my sleep. i don't. i fart when im awake. no i do it in my sleep too. but, im awake when i sleep and ive never heard myself fart. i pick my nose in my sleep. why do i do that? i fart in my sleep. and why do my walls drip with pickle juice all the time? im a clean sleeper. i pick my nose... eat it... scratch my bottom... fart... all that stuff. i even roll around in the mud. that's how dirty i am. im filthy. i should take a shower. i smell like eggs. i smell like rotten bacon. am i a serial killer? do i like kickin puppies? hey those are some nice puppies.... mind if i kick em? and have i ever been in a cult. well im a catholic. so yes. oh no im episcopaliam. im a huge episkapalientologist... dawsons is on. oh yeah... and i just farted. only something came out before the fart. i think i need to take a shower now. not a turtle hed stickin out my ass. poop. big ol stinky corn encrusted crap. ive goh a tertel hed paokin aut. poop is a very funny word. boob. squee-gee. carcaus. lama. tuba! bucket. carabou. rug. puddin. great. neat. swell. fantastic. fabulous. splendifantasteronious. i pee in the shower. if i really have to go and sometimes if im busy washin. gotta clean all 2000 parts. i only have 1756.73 parts... wheres the rest? i was neglected as a child. im NOT crazy. im sanely-challenged. go hang out in porta potties. while they're still on the truck. i got papers. they're green. with lines... but the lines aren't straight. they're gay. and they run all around the paper. are you lost? here li'l girl... ill help you find the way. "attention customers... i have a li'l girl here... her name is nicole... and she's right up at the service desk... would her mother come and pick her up..." there... mommie should be here soon. you won't be lost anymore.

It was a sunny day, so beautiful out. the grass was tall and the water was blue. there was a breeze blowing through the bogs which were filled with enough water so that the trenches were filled to the brim. the temperature was 97.2 degrees, very hot. it was humid too. it was like the birds were swimming in the air. everything around had sweat on it. the noise of cars rushing by the bog could be heard from under the water. shhhhooom! rrrrooom! eeeeeooow!

Jim the turtle had just awoken from sleep. he was yawning as another car went by. vrrrrruuum! the day was about to start. he looked around. it was time to bask in the sun! yay! such a relaxing day. he was used to the cars zooming by. he knew it would take him 4 and a half hours to get to his favorite rock that he basks on every day. but it didn't matter. he loved his rock. he had all of his stuff there. there was even a little puddle next to the rock he could wet him self with. it was his favorite spot to be. he rose up to the top of the water and stuck his nose and eyes out of the top of the water. he could see the tops of the cars as they went by. the traffic started to get a lot less busy as time went on. he sat there for 15 minutes just lookin up at the sun and the sky. there were clouds floating all over. it was soooo beautiful! he could make out the shape of each one of his family members in the clouds. he looked over a bit and saw his favorite rock in the clouds! how great. he smiled and relaxed some more... like that was even possible. his anger management classes had paid off. he sighed and thought, "i am so happy right now".

he waded over to the side of the bog. from down in the water he could see up to the top of the hill where he'd head off to his rock. he slowly pulled himself up onto the grass beside the water. he rested for a minute before starting up the steep hill. he noticed a line of ants on the ground. how great. they were working so hard. he was glad that he wasn't an ant.

he started up the hill. the journey would take him half the day. it was worth it though. he loved his rock. right after his second step he realized he couldn't move. he struggled and struggled but nowhere. his shell was caught on a rock! oh man. this wasn't good. he fumbled with his back foot for a bit but finally got free. this took a lot of energy. he rested a bit. after wiping the sweat off his brow he started up the hill again. it was so steep. the thought of his rock was firm in his mind. he was determined just like every other day, to get to his rock and spend the latter half of the day just basking and relaxing and thinking about how great life is.

it took him 3 hours but he was finally at the top of the hill on the side of the road. through thorns and pricks and rocks and grass and sand he looked from 35 feet away at his favorite rock on the other side of the road and a little bit into the woods. so great. "i can't wait to get there", he thought.

the cars zoomed by. he had to wait for so long before there was a long enough break in the cars. he inched out as fast as his big turtle body could go. he knew it wouldn't be long before another car came. so he slowly pulled himself as fast as he could. inch by inch, he got to the yellow lines. vroooom! pop! in his shell he went. the car missed him by a smidgen. he peaked out of his shell to make sure it was ok to move on. there was nothing either way of the road so he picked up his shell and inched forward.

he was 3 quarters of the way across the street. he put his foot another inch closer to the other side and tried to pull himself again. he went nowhere. his shell was stuck again! and right in the middle of the street. the thought of his rock was firm still in his mind and he struggled with all his might. there was some bubble gum under his shell and it was keeping him stuck to the pavement. he pulled and pulled and pulled and... snap! the gum broke and flung him the rest of the way across the street. he tumbled and fumbled across and landed in a pile of dirt just after the road. he landed and dust puffed up in front of him.

he slowly opened his eyes after the dust settled. the image of his favorite rock appeared directly in front of him. he turned his body around to look at where he had come from. there was the street, the hill, and the bog. he smiled and thought he had accomplished the same great task he does every day. thoughts of the rest of his day filled his mind. he imagined how great his day is going to be. after 4 hours of hard work he had finally gotten to what he lives for... his favorite rock.

VROOOOOMMMMM! another car zoomed by. the sound of it snapped him out of his imagination. he was staring out at the street across to his sleeping bog. he smiled at the thought that the sunbasking fun was about to start...

It was my mother's birthday. I was driving down the street. It was a sunny day. Very nice out. Earlier that morning I had decided that today was going to be about being nice to everyone I see. I really wanted to be nice and possibly help out everyone I talked to and dealt with today. So I was going to be nice in as many ways as I could think of. So I'm driving along in a really great mood. I turned a corner and there was a giant lump in the road up on the left side of the street. As I passed it I realized it was a giant turtle. He was faced out at the street looking across to a bog. Vrooooom! I drove right by him and just kept going. As I drove along, I thought to myself how I was going to be nice today as I realized... that turtle looked like he was about to cross the street! Holy crap! I didn't want him to get hit! I quickly turned around my car and drove back to the turtle. I got out of my car and walked up to the giant lump. He was just laying there with his head out and his feet out. His tail wiggled a bit. He was still alive! Thank God. I bent down and he opened his mouth and hissed a little. This was going to be hard. I tried to pick him up by the back of his shell but he was quick to snap at me all mad. I wondered what he was thinking. Here was this giant person picking him up. He's probably afraid. If only he knew that I was being nice today and about to bring him across the street to the bog where he was headed! "At your service, mister turtle!", I said to myself as I smiled. He squirmed and wiggled as I tried to pick him up. He wouldn't let me. He seemed really mad. He was a wild turtle so I expected him to be upset. So I went to my trunk and got a giant picture frame I had been saving for my mom's collage I was making. I took the frame and brought it over to the turtle. I scooted him onto the back of it and picked it up. The turtle was really mad now. He wanted to face me so he could snap at me and I kept asking myself, "Why is he so mad? I'm being nice to him today! He's gunna be so happy when he finds out what I'm doing for him." So I kept turning the frame around so he wouldn't be facing me. I brought him across the street and flung him off the frame and down the hill at the start of the water. He landed upside down. His head craned out to right him. I turned around and smiled and walked back to my car. I love being nice. "You're welcome, mister turtle!", I said as I closed the door to my car.

you end up throwing up all over the table. and it's not the normal vomit. it's all green and steamy with bubbles boiling up from God knows where. and this stuff will probably eat through the table and probably the floor too. it'll go down into the sewer and contaminate the beings that live down there. and all that will be left is mutated and horribly disfigured sewer rats. the rats will grow to an immense size and burst up from underground and attack the nearest breathing creature. they'll kill everything in sight, even the starving babies in China. "For only ten cents a day..." they attack you in the most splendid way. the rat walks up to you and says, "hey, enough of the fat jokes." and proceeds to gnaw on the ground you walk on. it eats out a huge hole in your body so it can lay its slimy eggs. it sets a timer for 5 minutes. DING! they're done! and soon, the earth will be taken over by these mutant rats. they'll create their own civilizations all over the earth. they'll grow smarter and smarter, they'll teach the young rats. the small rats learn about their ancestors' triumph over the evil humans. they create a holiday called "Thank the Rat-God, the Evil Humans are Dead Day" where the little rats get to eat all the steamy crap they want. cause all mutated oversized rats eat crap. they see other rats all over the place. they haven't seen some of the rats since first hearing the evil human story. it's nice but sometimes there's some rats that you just don't want to see after seeing them on the last "Thank the Rat-God, the Evil Humans are Dead Day". but you go anyway and you end up throwing up all over the table.

There once was a boy who was sittin down talkin to his mother. He asked if he could have a puppy but she said, "No." So the little boy asked if he could get a kite. She said, "Sure. But before we go get your kite... you want a snack?" The little boy replied with enthusiasm, "Yes!!!" "What would you like", the mother asked. The boy said, "Strawberries!!" The mother looked at him with this fierce look and screamed, "You little shit! Don't you ever say that to me!! Go to your room!!" The little boy did not know why his mother was so upset. But he went to his room figurin it was a joke. He was only five. The next day the little boy got up and got ready for school still confused about the day before. But, didnt think much of it. So, he went down stairs and saw his mother sitting at the table. Before he could say good morning, his mother ordered him to pack up his shit and get out of the house and that he was going to live with his grandmother. The little boy did not know what to do. But he did know to go to school. He went to class and finger painted. The teacher saw he was upset so then asked him, "Whats wrong billy?" Billy said, "My mother doesn't want me any more." The teacher then got concerned. "Why billy? What happened?" "Well it was all fine, me and my mommy were goin to buy a kite together but, before we left she asked if i wanted a snack." "And then what billy?", the teacher questioned reassuringly. "Well, i asked if i could have strawberries." The teacher got up and smacked billy and told him to go to the principals office. "How dare you talk like that in here!" So, billy started to cry. "Why?", he wondered. "What was happening? what did I do wrong?" He continued on to the principals office and waited in the chair. The principal came in and asked billy to explain why he was so upset and what had brought him there. So, billy told his story hesitantly and as soon as he finished the word strawberry, the principal got up and slammed lil billy's head into the wall. "Damn you for speaking like that to me!", he said. Billy managed to get away. He ran and ran. Billy is 45 years old now living in a box somewhere out in California.

There was once this man named Jeh-munga. And he liked to play with skittles. he worked in an office. he went to a meeting, and when his boss called on him to illustrate what he had been working on, he shoved skittles up his nose and shot them across the table at his boss. His boss would pick the skittles up off the floor and look at them closely. Inscribed on each skittle was a tiny sentence about something Jeh-munga had been working on. So after each meeting, his boss would be at the copy machine laying the skittles out on the glass carefully to copy them all onto one sheet of paper. Jeh-munga would hide around the corner watching his boss's every move. Just as his boss got the last skittle set perfectly on the glass, Jeh-munga would snort out a huge penut at the machine and make all of the skittles go flying. Of course his boss saw him do this. As soon as they made eye contact Jeh-munga would quickly hide and run back to his office where there were skittles all over the floor everywhere. His boss would go to his office wanting to ask Jeh-munga what he just did. When he got to Jeh-munga's office, Jeh-munga would be hunched over his desk. "Jeh-munga", his boss would say. Jeh-munga would quickly turn around with a googly face on, all these skittles pushed in around his face. Up his nose in his ears and hanging just off the end of his crusty lip. He'd make a stupid sound like ,"eh-deh-bleh-duh-buh-blehhh" and let the skittles dribble out his mouth and onto the floor.

One day, Jeh-munga's boss was walking by his office. He looked in and Jeh-munga was standing at his desk, shirt off, with his back to the door. His boss noticed the spuradic hair patterns on Jeh-munga's back. "Good morning Jeh-Munga.", he said. Just as he uttered the first sylable of that sentence, Jeh-munga turned around quickly and kinda crouched a little with his hands up by his face pretending he had claws ready to pounce on his boss. As usual, Jeh-munga had skittles in and around his face only this time, he had skittle colored pasties on his nipples and his name tag was hanging off one of them. His eyes widened. "BOOGA! BOOGA!! BOOGA!!! Rhraaaahrrrrrrrr!!!!", he yelled while he clawed at the air with a dumb look on his face. Skittles dribbled out of his mouth and onto the floor. "Carry on.", said his boss as he continued on down the hall. "You stickem up your doodle! That's what they're for!", Jeh-munga yelled around the corner.

One day, when Jeh-munga's boss was walking by his office, a tiny brown pellet came flying out and hit him right in the head. The boss looked in and saw Jeh-munga hunched over a little toy on his desk. Jeh-munga quickly looked up with a crazy look on his face. "It's a plastic reindeer. And he stands up on the table.", Jeh-munga said with an insane tone in his voice. He grabbed the toy and put it right up to his face. "And when u push him down a tiny poo comes out of his butt!!", he pushed it down gently and a small piece of brown candy came out of a hole on the back of the toy. "But the poo isn't poo. It's candy.", he put the little candy up his nose. His boss just then noticed that Jeh-munga had these candies all up in and around his face just like he had the skittles. "He makes poop noises, too! see?" Jeh-munga started making fart and poop noises and pressing the deer so it would dispense more candy. "And watch THIS." He stood the toy up on the table and then slamed on the reindeer's back. A candy went flying out of it and hit the wall. "...and then i point it out my door and shoot it at people as they walk by!" The boss just sighed as he said, "carry on.", and continued walking. Jeh-munga's crys could be heard in the distance by his boss who was not heeding the barage of tiny "poo" candies hitting his back as he walked away.

One day, the boss was sitting in his office. He was just working on the current project that just got accepted the day previous. All of a sudden, Jeh-munga walks in staring blankly in front of him and turns to face his boss. The boss stared at Jeh-munga in disbelief. Jeh-munga was dressed for the season. He appeared to be wearing an "off white" thermal suit. He had black stiletto healed knee high boots on with white puffyness around the tops by his knees. He was also wearing a santa hat that had same puffyness as the boots. He was blankly staring at his boss with a straight crazy face on. The boss noticed Jeh-munga had the skittle colored pasties on over his thermal suit. He was kinda hunched a bit. "Deh... deh deh det deh deh duh det deh deh det dehhhhhhh!!", said Jeh-munga. It sounded a little like the "Mr's Robinson" tune by the Beatles but not really. He started doing this little dance swinging his arms back and forth and every so often he would put his finger up to his nose and shoot out a skittle across the desk at his boss. "DEH! Duh deh det deh duh...", he sang as he danced, hopping around the floor. Skittles were dribbling out of his mouth and onto the floor. His arms were swinging all around knocking things off the shelves and desk. As abruptly as it started, the so-called "singing" and "dancing" stopped. Jeh-munga just stared at his boss blankly with this crazy look on his face. "Good morning Jeh-munga", said the boss. Jeh-munga looked all paranoid and started looking around the corner out his bosses office. The boss looked around for the skittles that hit him during Jeh-munga's show. There was a red one and a green one. "How festive.", he said under his breath. Jeh-munga just grunted and sprinted out of the office. He just sighed and noticed his office was trashed from Jeh-munga's cute little dance.The boss looked closely at the skittles trying to make out what was inscribed on them. Just as he got his eyes to focus low enough, Jeh-munga peeped around the corner. "NO!!", he yelled and looked up to the ceiling. His boss looked up to see what Jeh-munga was looking at. Just as his boss took his eyes off of him, Jeh-munga snorted out two huge penuts and hit the skittles out of the bosses hands with peculiar accuracy. "You stick them up your DOODLE... Thats what they're FOR....", said Jeh-munga as he slowly inched his head out of the office.

One day, the boss was walking down the hall. Just as he passed Jeh-munga's office door, a slimy squid is hurled over the cube wall and lands right where the boss is about to step. The boss slips on the squid and falls heals in the air and lands on his tailbone. While he's curling in pain, he can hear Jeh-munga in his office. Skittles start raining over the cube wall on top of him. Jeh-munga peeps around the corner. "That's a squid." Jeh-munga made a googly face. "You can put them up his doodle too!!"

One day, the boss was walking down the hall. When he went by Jeh-munga's office, he was startled by what he saw. Jeh-munga was just standing in the middle of his office facing the door with his arms up and out in front of him, hands limp with nothing but a girl's size 4 Luvs diaper stuck on by masking tape going around his waist. He had a dumb smile on his face. "Peeeee peeeeeeeeeee...", said Jeh-munga. Just then and staring straight ahead with a blank goofy smile on, Jeh-munga let a yellow steamy stream of liquid dribble out of the diaper, down his leg, and onto the floor. A puddle forms. Jeh-munga looks down then looks up again quickly and said, "PEEEEE PEEEEEEEEEEEE..." as he hops from one foot to another slapping his feet in the puddle and moving his arms around like it was 'spooky'. "Thaaat's what I thought.", the boss said as he continues walking.

"Hey Stan? Have you seen my scissors? I thought I left them on my desk but they're not here. And did you leave those skittles on my desk? Thanks!" The boss walked down the hall just listening to his workers talk. They're such good workers. He came to Jeh-munga's office. He looked in and Jeh-munga wasn't there. Thank God, he thought. He noticed that on the wall there were little paper cut out pictures of different office supplies just pasted there. He walked in a little further into Jeh-munga's office and a little piece of paper popped up into his face out of nowhere. It had skittles all over it. Written on the skittles was: "I'm hiding. Hee hee." Jeh-munga is just different, he thought and walked away. "Where is my stapler? And what the hell are all these skittles doing all inside my draw?", someone asked. A few minutes later, Stan came back to Sue's office with her scissors. They were soaked and stunk of urine. "I found these in the mens toilet. I don't know how they got there but there they were." Later on that day, the boss needed to use the little boys room. So he got up and walked towards the bathroom. The closer he got, the more profound a voice became coming from the bathroom. He got in there, to find that there were skittles all over the floor at Jeh-mungas feet in front of the handicapped stall. He was standing there with his pants and thermal undies draped over his boots, arms down by his sides, with a blank look on his face peeing into the stall. He was mermering something but the boss couldn't hear. He went up close to Jeh-munga and still couldn't hear. He had to get so close to Jeh-munga he was like inches from his face. Under Jeh-munga's breath he was saying, "I peeee peeeee on them." "Uh.. OK... Look Jeh-munga we gotta talk about yer behavior...", the boss said as he walked away. Jeh-munga turned to face the boss's back and put his hands up in front of him wavin them around bein all scarey... "PEEEE PEEEEEEEEE", he said as the stream of pee arched up and over across the bathroom hitting the wall just missing his boss.

Do you think that fat ugly women shave their nipples before they go out on the weekend?

I don't think they should because is there really a point? Is a fat ugly girl shaving her nipples going to actually make her look better? I don't think so.

But, if they do, do they use after shave?

or do they put shaving cream all over first?

and when people ask them why they smell so good... do they say, "oh yeah that's after shave from when i shaved my nipples today"

and do the REALLY fat ones have to have someone help them cuz they cant reach?

and do they have some sort of utensil to prop the boob up so it's not all hangin down while they shave?

and does the area around the nipple get red cuz of the shaving?

and do they get a 5 o'clock shadow around their nipples at the end of the nite?

and do the black ones make a cool little hair line like the black guys do to their hair and beard?

and do they have to put little tiny kleenex patches over the nicks?

do they use a bic or a norelco... or maybe even wax? how 'bout nair?


These are the things I think about.

I'm sitting on the ground under a tree. This tree is huge with giant branches stretching out over a small river. The sound of the river is music to my ears. The ground is a bit bumpy under me. I can feel the roots of the tree under me. The grass is ripe green all around. It's spring time. There's a gentle breeze sending a chill up my spine. I can hear the leaves rustling above and around me. I look up at the sky and there are beautiful clowds racing across the sky. Looking up, I can see the pin-ya-ta hanging from the tree. Why can't it be my birthday every day? I have never had a pin-ya-ta for my birthday before. So I thought I'd get one and try it out. It's rain drop shaped with red polka dots all over it. It looks very festive. I breathe in and smell the fresh air. I let out a long sigh with content. How did I get here?...

... I ring the doorbell. Then open the door. "Hello?" I walk in, pizza in hand. "Anyone home?" I walk in through the living room and then into the kitchen. Diane is sitting at the computer. She quickly closes all of her windows. She's smoking a cigarette. Her "Quit Day" is supposed to be next Sunday. I wonder if she'll actually quit. She shows me some sounds that she's made when we were on the phone earlier that day. They're very funny. She's wearing overalls. She looks so good in them. She has an off the shoulder sweater on. The sweater has huge holes in it so it's very see through. She has a grey sports bra on. Just looking at her gets me thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. We had just had a long and emotional breakup and were trying to be friends. I try to suppress those naughty thoughts. She shows me the sounds, lets me hear them. They're just so funny. I put the pizza on the table. After we are done with the sounds, I go into the living room. Ralphie comes down and plays on the floor with a train set he got for Christmas. Looking at the room, the tv is on the wall straight in front of me. The couch is against the left wall pushed back to the back wall. The front door and front windows are on the right wall. I turn to look at the couch and sit on the left side of it. Diane comes in and sits on the right side of it. I stretch out a little putting my legs on the middle of the couch. We watch tv for a bit. We're getting along great like we normally do. She's making more eye contact than usual also making attempts to flirt. When she touches me it sends a sharp great pain through my whole body. I can't handle it. I push her hand away with my foot. "Don't touch me!", I say playfully. Inside I know I really mean it. I don't want her to touch me because it hurts. I shrug it off and kick the thoughts out of my head. I am fine now. We just watch tv. MAD tv is coming on. It's really funny. We watch that and SNL, flipping back and forth. during MAD tv, she goes to get some of the pizza that I brought over. She sits where she was before. She finishes the pizza. Ralphie is just being a nugget like he usually is. Ralphie is so great. Very playful. Probably the best behaved child I've ever known. I'm laying on my jacket on my back watching the tv. I'm uncomfortable. So I lay on my stomach in the middle of the couch next to her with my feet where my head was. I put my jacket under my face like a pillow. Her feet are right in front of me. At this point I'm not thinking about things. I start touching toes and wiggling them between my fingers. This tickles her a little. She looks at me and groans a little. I stop and she groans again. So I move a little over so she can put her feet out and lay down on her tummy. I'm uncomfortable again now so I climb on her back and lay down. She lets me do all this stuff. I start thinking about stuff now. How could she not wanna be with me and let me do this intimate stuff. It's like she knows what I'm doing and lets me hang on knowing that it hurts so much. I realize what I'm doing and I jump up and sit back to where I was when I first got there. It makes me mad that she would let me do those things. I hate that she doesn't care. Anger fills my head...

..."I have never had a pin-ya-ta." "Really?", she asks. "Nope.", I say. "Let's go get one!" So we go get a pin-ya-ta. I come home with the pin-ya-ta. All excited. I can't wait to try it out. The breeze of wind flows through my hair as I drag the pin-ya-ta out to the tree. I have to go back to her house to get a ladder and some "string" to hang it from. Takes me a bit to get it hanging the right height. "Do you like it?" No response. I don't know what's wrong with her. I sit back on the ground and just admire it. It's so beautiful. I don't know why I've never had one of these before. We've had all sorts of games, pin the tail on the donkey, hide and go seek, egg hunt, but never a pin-ya-ta. This is going to be fun. I think about the different movies I've seen with pin-ya-tas in them. I remember how much fun the kids had when they played. I want all the candy for myself. I can't wait till it breaks open and all the candy and toys come falling down like rain. I'll jump in the pile and start stuffing it all into my pockets. OK. I'm ready. Now that I think about it, I have no stick. I would use a bat but that's just way too easy. No fun. So I go and get a stick big enough to make a dent but not to break it on the first try. "Do you want to try first?" ... No answer. She's whimpering. I don't know what's gotten into her. Something must be bothering her. I'll just let her be. I put a blindfold on and then spin myself three times to get myself dizzy.

I go deaf and fall into my own world... The stick is firmly in my hand and I take a swing. SLAM! It doesn't break. Not even one dent. Geez. Maybe I'm a huge whimp. No. That can't be it. I smash the thing again and it swings violently hanging from the limb. Still nothing. Dammit. I start to get frustrated as I slam and smash the thing harder and harder and faster and faster. Still nothing. I spend two and a half hours trying to get the darn thing to break. But it just won't. Who makes a pin-ya-ta out of burlap anyway?...

... So, now I'm just sitting there wondering how kids could have fun with these things. Like they're some sort of super human children that have enormous strength. I hear her whimpering again. I don't know what to do. I pick up the stick one last time. Wind up. CRACK! The sound of the stick hitting the pin-ya-ta seers through the air. Now I'm through. The stick falls to the ground. There's pretty red spots and other colors decorated all over the pin-ya-ta like it was still new. All hangin there blowin in the wind. I hear her whimpering again...

Thoughts of her uncaring, cold, soulless being plow through my mind like a rush of dump trucks mowing down everything in their path. Look to the ground. Stick. Bat. Tree. Burlap. I reach. The bat jumps to me. SLAM! SMASH! The bleach soaked burlap that's hanging in front of me sways and swings back and forth violently. "Not attracted to me?!?! huh?!?! ANSWER ME YOU FUCK!" ... "I can't change the way I f-" SMASH! CRASH! WHACK! A barage of havoc ripped through the burlap. It falls to the ground with a THUD. There's thick liquid leaking from the red spots on the bag. SMACK! The bat smashes the red spots and all the liquid spatters, think nothing of it and keep smashing. My energy is drained and I'm out of breath. I hear no more whimpering. I drag it to the river.Tie the brick to it. Dump it in. Walk back to the tree. I sit there with the sunlight beating down on me watching the bloody bag disappear into the depth of the river.

When I grow up, I want to be a monkey. A monkey named Randolph. kinda like Rudolph but not really. Instead of a glowing nose... I got a couple of glowing thumbs. Only they don't glow red. They're green. This is either great or just so bad. Bad because when I give a thumbs up, people might laugh at me. "Hey, look at that monkey over there... He picks his nose with his thumbs so much that they glow green!" But great because if, at night, I break down on the highway(not that monkeys can drive), and I have to "thumb" a ride... They'll be able to see my glowing thumbs from a loooooong ways away. When I become an older more wise monkey, I'll have total control over the glowing of my thumbs. So I'll do cool light shows with them. I could try out for the Main Street Electrical Parade. They won't like me much cuz of the whole monkey thing. I'll walk in there and just before I start my audition, they will say, "Hold on, did you know that you're a monkey?" "OK, OBVIOUSLY I'm a monkey. Hell-Oh!" All they do is point. Point me out the window, they do. So, out the window I go. I'm falling. Oh no. Help me, help me. Wait, no... My thumbs start glowing... They pick me out of the air. They take me home right in through my window. With this new power, I can become a superhero. Now... what to call myself... Randolph the Green Thumbed Monkey! That's great. Now that I have a name, I need a costume. I'll just put on my pajamas and think of something later. Whatever I wear, it's going to have NOTHING to do with bananas. That's so cliché.

What Really Happened

"What're you doing to me .. you fucking.. cunt! I should kick your ass!" The sound of Joseph's fist hitting Mary's face was ground shaking. Mary just slumped down to the floor sobbing as Joseph left for work. She watched as he sternly walked down the road into the distance. When he was gone, she was quick to her feet, rushing around the house, grabbing some things. She changed into a very slinky dress then put on a nice blouse and pants over it. In a minute she was out the house, hopping on one foot, trying to get heals on. She walked the opposite way away from where Joseph was headed. Off in the distance, there is a small town where Mary's reputation is a little more tainted.

The marketplace was mobbed. Ian quickly bought some food and was on his way back home. Down the street he walked, passing a very attractive Mary on the sidewalk. Ian looked, then gave the ultimate double take. "You lookin for some action?"...

Mary rolled over in a bed that was not her own. She's done it yet again. By the early morning light she saw a random stranger sleeping next to her. Last night he seemed cute but now he doesn't seem so cool. He slept in drool. From his creapy bed she crept, praying he stayed asleep. And as she throws on her dress and heels, she hopes she doesn't run into him again. She grabs his wallet, taking her fee. She almost trips over the dog sleeping in the hall. Hung over and feeling out of place, she does her best to hide her face. Her house seems so far away. She hasn't brushed her teeth since yesterday. The morning garbage crew is there. She can't avoid their knowing stare. She sees figures moving in the park, a group of people out for their morning jog. A gust of wind comes and blows her skirt above her head. The whole crowd looks. She thinks they see what she had been up to. She doesn't know that they have no idea. They wave at their seemingly untainted "virgin". But now she's home so she doesn't care anymore. She washes the vomit from her hair. As she approaches her bed, she starts to cry. Her husband is such an abusive prick. Oh if he knew she wasn't really a virgin.

2 months, tons of sex partners, loads of cash, and multiple black eyes later:

Mary is pregnant. The dilema that faces her now is how to explain this to the whole village. They, along with her husband who would kill her, will know what she had been doing.

9 months later:

Away in a manger, after her husband had beaten her for the spots on the dishes, Mary was feeding the sheep. When, suddenly, a huge gush of water came from under her sundress. She had hidden very well for some months now. She let out a few labor screams. "JESUS CHRIST, WOMAN! WHAT NOW?!" Joseph yelled from inside. "IF YOU BROKE MORE GLASS BOWLS YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD OUT THERE!!", he yelled.

No one had picked up on her "fraught" secret, with her wearing very baggy clothing and all. But now is the end of her secret. She fears she will be hanged for her adultery... that is... if they don't believe the story she has created over these last few months. The pain of labor seared thru her insides. Her screams brought a crowd around her. They were amazed at what was happening. However they all supported her through the entire birth. They loved her and wanted the best for her. They would support her though anything, for she was their innocent "virgin". And she knew this. The baby was born. The baby was placed on her chest and she nuzzled him. She said to all, "this... is our savior."

All sing together:

"Oh holy night!
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!
Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine
Oh night divine..."

poo poo
intestinal poo
u eat in the morning and u eat in the day
sometimes u eat in the middle of the night but thats ok...
u eat and u eat till yer face turns blue...
and thats when u get intestinal poo
intestinal poo
yer belly is full and it needs come out..
so thats when intestinal poo turns into poo in yer but
it kinda tickles it kinda hurts..
but then u realize yer poo is begining to squirt
intestinal poo
intestinal poo
cuz u eat and u eat cuz there is nothing else to do
yer belly is full and it needs to come out
thats when u get poo in yer butt
it kinda tickles it kinda hurts
sit in the toilet before it squirts
intestinal poo
intestinal poo
what can u do?
u can feel it growin
and its not slowing
feel it squirmin till u feel its pokin out
intesinal poo
intestinal poo
makes u wanna twist and shout
sit and wait till it squeezes out yer but
plop plop
oh i think i felt a nut
but now i feel better there is no more poo in my butt

illegal stuff is bad. and i should be put to hell just for asking you to do illegal stuff. but i don't care. ill go to hell. already been there. not as bad as people say y'know. it's just a li'l fire place and a little man wearing a headband with horns on it. he's not even red. he wears a pink leotard and cowboy boots. he has gloves too. but they're not real gloves... they're mittens. he gets mad but people make fun of him all the time. they call him names like "mittens" and "hey! it's the guy with the headband" and he tries to make it all toasty so they get hot but the fireplace just isn't that big so it really can't get above boiling point in there. and that's on a good day. sometimes he tries to be like us and use our slang terms. words like "aight" and "chill". but it just doesn't sound that great when he says it. so he gets all mad and goes around slamming doors while mumbling swear words to himself. but he's "cool" with me. so ill go there if i have to.

i have to tend to my homework. it's crying again. i have no idea what it wants. sometimes it cries so loud that i go over and shake it hoping that it dies but it just doesn't. it just keeps coming and coming and crying louder and louder... gosh... sometimes i just wish i never had this stupid homework. i wish it would go back where it came from. but the person who gave it to me would be very mad if i said, "please put this where it came from." my teacher says, "you should be lucky to have homework." he says that some people aren't able to have homework. i always said that when i get schooled, i don't want to have any homework. but it's hard to not have any. cuz at night when we get into class we kinda get into it and one thing leads to another and boom. there we are having a bout of loud passionate conversation. and y'know where there's conversation, there's always the chance, if you're not too careful, that homework could be assigned. and when the conversation is all done with, you have to wait... and wait... in all anxiousness.... hoping that you don't have homework. but it's too late... it's already been assigned... and now you have to go home and think about how you have to tend to this homework all the time. and once it's been assigned... you can't unassign it... you wish you could but it's impossible... and now it's just sitting there crying for me... i don't know what i should do... ignore it? if i go over there and tend to it every time i hear it saying, "im due tomorrow..." it'll be spoiled... what to do, what to do.

I want to tell you that I have moved. my new contact info is at the bottom of this! write it down! if you wanna come over, the directions to my apartment are here... if you aren't good with directions, these are very detailed... copy the whole thing. if you ARE good with directions or you don't want to read the whole thing, just copy the CAPITALS SENTENCES.

From the South... hell you're all from the south...

TAKE RTE. 3 NORTH OR RTE. 24 NORTH TO 93 SOUTH/95 NORTH. I never understood how a road going South and a road going North can be the same road... anyway... 93 South/95 North --> Exit 24. you will see that exits 23, -->24<--, and 25 are on the same off ramp. exit 23 is a small road that becomes dirt after a while. exit 25 is the mass pike(Rte 90). and -->Exit_24<-- is Rte 30.

TAKE EXIT 24. follow the signs for Brandeis University. the first sign will be before the end of the off ramp. you stop at the end of the off ramp and

GO LEFT OFF THE RAMP... you will see that you have to cross the median of the road... don't worry there's an opening for you. once you go left you are headed for a set of lights. now, there's a huge sign there at the lights to go right for the mass pike(Rte 90). if you look carefully, there's a small sign peaking out, behind and to the right, of big old "mr mass pike sign". this small sign is for Brandeis University. it's not really an entrance for the pike(Rte 90). it's just a road.

GO RIGHT AT THE LIGHTS. you will see the entrance for the pike. just go by it. after the entrance, you pass over the highway. you will

GO STRAIGHT FOR ABOUT 3 MILES. during this 3 mile scenic tour... you will pass over railroad tracks... there's a radio station on the right... if you tune in it's a classical station... on your left, will be Brandeis... you pass under an enclosed hallway right as you are going through campus. there are sports fields on the right just before the hallway. after the hallway overpass, you will be heading towards a hospital that is on the right. this is the busiest hospital on the planet, 'cause about 50 ambulances go by my window every hour. anyway... after the hospital and on the right is my street.

GO RIGHT ON HIGHLAND STREET. my street is very short. when you are driving down my street it looks like it splits... it really doesn't. it's kinda like you will

BEAR LEFT AT SPLIT... but not really. after this whole "bearing" thing, you will be headed towards a set of lights...

MY BUILDING IS THE LAST BUILDING ON THE LEFT BEFORE THE LIGHTS. it's a baby blue color. there's two doors on the front of it. now, there is parking at my building however, this parking is just for one car... stinks i know but there is parking on the sides of the streets around here.

TO PARK:

GO LEFT AT LIGHTS. there are parking spots on the side of that road. when you get out of your car, you have to

WALK BACK TO THE SET OF LIGHTS it's not far. and my building is the cute baby blue colored one on the right. you will see that there's a parking area behind the building.

WALK AROUND THE BACK OF THE BUILDING. there's a huge fire escape. It's ok to walk up it. We use it regularly as a second exit. If you look carefully, my door is the one with Jim Carrey in the window. such a nice guy greeting all of you.

GO UP ONE FLIGHT OF STAIRS. my door is the

SECOND DOOR ON THE RIGHT. if you go left, no wait... you can't go left. that's the railing. well you could climb over it but you'll probably fall off and hit the ground. don't knock unless ya see Jim. he's there.

approximate travel time:
Hanson: 1 hour
BSC: 30 minutes
Philly: 7 hours
Hanover Mall: 40 minutes
Plymouth RTE 3 exits: 1 hour
Braintree: 25 minutes

Contact Info:
Dennis Palmer
9 Highland Street
Waltham, MA
02453
PH:781.788.0697
E-Mail: denni9800@paants.com

covivant, by Beverly McDonald

If I could be your covivant,
I'd be so proud, I'd boast and vaunt,
Compose a rhyme, a sweet romaunt,
To you my gallant, bold gallant:

Were you to be my covivant,
You'd never need a restaraunt.
I'd feed you any food you'd want-
A shrimp fondue, a cheese croissant-
Cuisine to please a dilettante.
(At least you'd not be lean and gaunt.)

You'd be my fellow covivant:
My piquant, mellow occupant,
Not gallivant as you were wont,
A misbehaving miscreant,
With debutantes, their hair bouffant,
And painted faces by du Pont!

On holidays we'd take a jaunt
Away from parents, uncle, aunt.
Undaunted, we'd vamoose, avaunt
Up to the mountains of Vermont,
Repair there to some cozy haunt:
"Monsieur and Madam Coe Vivant."

You needn't be a wise savant
Nor buy me diamond rings to flaunt,
Nor be a slave or sycophant
To in-laws who might tease and taunt,
Just nonchalant, yet au courant-
We'd live the good life, bon vivant!

I have this friend and his name is Clifford. He has a cold all the time. So when he says an 'm' sound, it always comes out a 'b' sound. So mum isn't mum, it's mub. Mub sits in a recliner chair all day and watches TV Clifford is like 6 years old. He's a very small boy. Mub is very huge. She sometimes has male "friends" over. That's only when she's "working" though. Mub has a Mub and so she's GrandMub. and GrandMub is very old and decrepit. Kerplunk. The remote control hit the floor with a krack.

"CLIFFORD, GET THE CLIKA FOR MOMMY, NOW!"

"But Mub, why do you always sit in that chair. You think TV is more important than me, huh."

"I SAID GET THE CLIKA NOW!"

Knock knock knock. Clifford goes to the door. "Mub, who is that strange man at the door?"

From her chair, "CLIFFORD, LET HIM IN! HE'S MOMMY'S FRIEND. HE HELPS US PAY THE BILLS. SAY HELLO TO THE NICE CLIEN-AHHHHHH MAN."

Clifford isn't stupid. He knows exactly why they have such a nice house. "Mub, why are you such a whore?"

"CLIFFORD GO TO BED! MOMMY HAS TO GO TO WORK NOW!"

"But mub..."

"NO BUTS. GO!"

"But mub, I have a cold and I want some medicine."

"I DON'T CARE! GO TO BED!"

"Mub, please... "

"GO CLIFFORD!"

"ClIfFoRd, LiStEn To YoUr MoThEr...", Grandmub said as she came creeping from what looked like a gigantic hole in the wall. It looked as if she was coming out of hibernation. "ClIfFoRd, YoUr MoThEr KnOwS wHaT's BeSt FoR yOu."

"Oh all right. I'll go." Clifford always listens to his Grandmub. She's his favorite. The door to Clifford's cubicle swings open. Cabinets chalk full of toys line the walls. The little boy, slumped over in sorrow, entered his castle. His toys were almost jumping from their shelves. They were thrilled that Clifford was coming to play with them. The grimace on the boy's face indicated that he wasn't in the mood to play. Clifford sat on his foo-ton. "Whad am I gunna do?", he asked himself. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out some weird contraption. It's a long object with a black handle not unlike that of a flashlight. Above the handle is shiny and laser pink. Mub leaves dis ting all around deh house. Wunda what it is..." Clifford's imagination takes him to a faraway place...

()00oo...............................oo00()

Clifford, in his armor, kneels before King Richard. Clifford is being honored into the Court for his bravery against the mighty dragon. The crowd watching remembers how Clifford slew the massive monster with the famed glowing pink sword, Eggsgloblular. Tears of gladness streamed the eyes of the onlookers for Clifford is now Sir Clifford! Just as the recently knighted hero arose, a gigantic fireball ripped through the sky then landed, with a crash, in the center of the spectators. Human extremities shot from the explosion, blood everywhere. Wiping the blood from his brow, Clifford draws his powerful pink sword. "I'll save the day!", he cried. As the soot from the blast cleared, a gargantuan beast appeared. The beast looked as a man, however had a thick, heavy coat of dark black hair. It was as if the monster was wearing a rug. Also he was strikingly short for a medieval ogre. The surviving peasants stared at the little, little man. They were spellbound by him. In a second, Clifford was behind the monster ready with the sharp pink Eggsglobular in hand. Little did he know his thumb was smack dab on a switch on the handle. As he swung the sword at the little horror, his thumb hit the switch to "on".

()00oo...............................oo00()

BuzzZZZzZZZzZZZZzZZZzzz.. Clifford threw the "sword" on his bed. It lay there glowing and shaking vigorously. What was this? What kind of sword has an on switch? Clifford's imagination took over...

()00oo...............................oo00()

Dark Vaber was circling the room. Clif SkeyeRunner was trapped.BuzzZZzzZZzz... SkeyeRunner's white zzaber would normally scare the behgeezus out of someone, but not Dark Vaber.

"Clif... I am your great-great-great-grandfather."

That's great. Clif didn't notice before, but Dark Vaber was limping a little and moving very slow.

"Cli-pbth!" Dark Vabers teeth spit out and fell to the floor. "kwiph, I am byo-ah gwate-gwate-gwate-gwanphavah"

"What!?" Clif couldn't help but chuckle a little before turning off his white zzaber.

()00oo...............................oo00()

Jim the Caterpillar was sittin on a leaf snacking quietly. It had just rained and there was a little puddle of water in the center of the leaf. He was in heaven. As he ate, he reflected on how great life is. There was this lovely leaf to munch on. There was a small perfect puddle of water to wash it all down with. He looked up and all around the forrest. The noises were beautiful. So peaceful. There was a slight breeze that was just enough to cool down the mild heat. It was perfect. As he looked up and all around, a beauuuuuuuuuuuutiful butterfly caught his attention. "Wow!", he thought. "That is the most beautiful butterfly EVER!" He had seen this butterfly before making a speech about a far reaching vision she had. The vision was about "forrest life of the future lies in children". She was so inspiring. He smiled himself to tears just thinkin about her speech. He thought about how he's always wanted to talk to her but always put it off for his shyness. He wanted to talk to her after that speech but didn't get the nerve up to say anything. He didn't realize but while he was fantisizing, that very same butterfly floated down to his leaf and was sipping the water. He was startled when he came out of his wonderful trance to see that she was staring right at him. She said, "Hi!" He was just flabbergasted. What should he do?

He opened his mouth and out came, "Flannen? Fleh... Flick Fluhhh... Butter... uhm..." Just jibberish. He was stunned by how beautiful the colors were in her wings and by the shape of her georgeous butterfly body. "What would she think?", he thought, all worried. He remembered the speech she gave and how inspiring it was and how great life was already and that what a bonus it was to have her right there. There he was on his favorite leaf, with a perfect puddle of water, all the wonderful sounds of the relaxing forrest. And now there was this wonderful being in front of him. She was glowing!

She slowly and smilingly leaned in close to him and whispered, "I'm Betty. Be great Jim... I know that you are... Now show me how great." She stood up and smiled. She winked. He quickly let go of his fear and said, "You're the most beautiful and most inspiring butterfly I've ever seen." He pulled from under him one lilly flower and held it up to her. She smiled and slowly reached out for it hesitantly. The feeling of love was so strong inside her that she got scared and stopped reaching.

She started to say, "Jim, I'm not sure if I-" Thhhhhhhhwip!! In an instant a cocoon seemed to appear out of nowhere. Betty was hugely shocked. She looked up into the sky and thought, "What was this?" Swoosh!! The cocoon started spinning and webbing flew off it all over the place she had to shield her eyes... The webbing shower stopped and she looked up. What stood before her was this valliant knight of a butterfly with a giant bouquet of lilly flowers reaching out to her. His wings were equally as beautiful as hers. A shock of love seered through her body.

"Now YOU be great." As her fingers touched his, he smiled and peered into her eyes. She opened her eyes WIDE. It was as if there was this whole undiscovered world of love in there. As he looked at these big beautiful blue eyes, there appeared this scene in them as if he were watching a television. It was a scene of the future ahead of him. There was a nice home in an oak tree and sunny days all over and laughing children running around at his feet and his beautiful partner, Betty. She blinked. "Like what you see?", she smiled. He sighed with love. "I sure do."

Her hand gripped the stem tighter. The petals of the flower were pushed into her face. She whiffed it and smiled and giggled a little. She felt she found her soul mate. They inched closer and closer to each other, lost in each other's eyes.

They both seemed to start floating up. The cool crisp air lofted them into the sky. From the ground, you could see the silhouette of the two, floating away together, kissing in front of the most beautiful sunset...

Alternate Ending...
...She slowly and smilingly leaned in close to him and whispered, "Be great Jim... I know that you are... Now show me how great." She stood up and smiled. She winked. He quickly let go of his fear and --!SQUISH!--

"Awww.. daddie!! I got bug guts on my shoe!"

"Son! What did I tell you about playing in the woods? Now, come inside, dinner is ready."

I was sitting in a chair. There she was. Her name is Carrie. She was on the stage. She was talking about how she's become so self expressed since she's saw what freedom lies within being self expressed. She was so inspiring and moving and touching and she was pretty to boot. A quadroople whammy. The thought, "she's out of my league" sped all around my head. I picture a field of green grass. There are birds in the tree chirping. A Thought like "she's out of my league" pops in my head and possesses one of the birds. It starts flying over my head and it gets cloudy. It starts to sprinkle a little. Depending on how strong the thought is in my head, is how large, strong, and evil the bird is. It circles around over me. It starts swooping down trying to get me. If the thought is strong enough in my head, the bird swoops down and grabs me up and flys all around my head with me. That's when I start to worry and think and be all up in my head about the "she's out of my league" thought and then I don't go up and talk to her. So Carrie finishes her talk and leaves. Then I'm sitting in another chair and I see her on the stage again. She is going to be staying with us for a bit now. After she's up on the stage, she is in the back of the room. She starts walkin over to me. She sits down in the chair in back of me. I am hanging over the back of my chair. She sits and out of my mouth comes, "You are really cute." She didn't say anything. I left her speechless. She thanked me for the compliment. We talked about the project I was workin on and a domain I invented for my life called "Healing the World". She said stuff about what she shared the first time up on the stage. I told her about how I have a website with stories and cartoons and stuff on it and she suggested exchanging email addresses. I agreed. It was time to get back to class. After class she was in the back of the room talking. I knew the people she was talking to so I could just stand there and be in on the conversation. Their conversation winded down and the other people left. She was there. She had a paper ready with her name and email address on it. She said, "Here's my email. Send me a link to that site." I said, "Yeah, I actually wanna take you out." She was speechless again. She said, "Yeah I'll put my number on here." And she did. All of what my mother and father and pretty much every adult in a marriage has said, "You just know", is true about how I feel about Carrie. I just know.

One time ... i was in the forest and i was walking down a path and there was a monster that jumped out. he was a little monster and he was all scarey lookin. he was teensy and had bright purple hair with a couple horns, one on his nose and one on his head. he had big pink eyes. he jumped out at me and said, "arrrrrrr!" he startled me at first but then i looked at him and he was so cute. his voice was very squeeky like a cartoon character. he had an angry face on him like he was all trying to scare me. i walked up to him and kneeled down and pet him on the head. his hair was so soft like a stuffed teddy bear. i said, "hi mister monster. how are you today?" he looked at me kinda puzzled. he put his arms up in the air and said with his squeeky voice, "ARRRRRR!!" how cute was he? i wanted to take him home but i knew mom wouldn't let me. so i said, "it was really nice to meet you mister monster but i have to get going home now." i pet him on the head again and stood up. "have a nice day mister monster!", i said as i walked away. i went further down the path and i heard tiny steps behind me. i looked back and something quickly leaped behind the bush. I thought nothing of it and continued walking. again i heard footsteps behind me and i turned quickly around. something really little jumped behind a tree. it was the ittle bitty purple monster! he was peaking out from behind the tree at me. he saw that i was looking at him so he got his face all pursed up again. he hopped out, put his arms up in the air and said, "ARRRRRR!!" with his cute squeeky voice. i couldn't help but giggle to myself. he was trying so hard to be scarey. so i thought to myself for a minute. i smiled... made a surprised face... and said, "oh no! a monster!" i turned and started running away slowly looking behind me at him. he got so excited and happy and hopped along after me. he was laughing and squeeking as he chased after me. i got to my back yard and my mom was there at the door. "jennifer patrice miller. you just changed into those clothes, you silly! now they're all dirty! well, i guess we'll just have to give you another bath!" "yay!", i cheered. i looked back at mister monster and he was sitting on a tree stump watching. he turned sad and turned to hop off. "wait! wait!" i got after him right quick. "you could come in and i could give you a bath after i have mine. i have lots of toys and boats and floating letters." he smiled again and hopped in the air! "yippee!!", he squeeked! he jumped up into my arms and i carried him inside with me. it was getting dark. i shut the back light off and all of a sudden these distant squeeks got louder and louder. i could see lots of little cute monster eyes in the dark filling the back yard. how cute! it was like the yard was filled with stuffed animals! i closed the curtains and squeezed my new purple pet. I'm so glad we moved here. i imagined the adventures to come...

Denny Palmer
October 6, 1995
Writing 101

Biography

1977- Birth of Dennis Harlan Palmer on June 13 at South Shore Hospital, Braintree, MA. The second and middle child of Robert H. and Kathleen Palmer.

1980- Birth of Sandralee Sharon Palmer, Dennis' sister, the last of three. She, in the present is a great influence and friend to Dennis.

1981- Went to preschool. Was in the first class of that school. The teacher, Mrs. Coletta, still has that school today.

1982- Went to kingergarden.

*1984- Dennis learned to ride a bicycle with the help of his father. (finally!)

1986- Dennis was in a play in fourth grade. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. He hated it. He played Happy. He only had a few lines. He was glad.

1989- Dennis went to Disney World for the first time. Realized that he wanted to be an animator for the Disney Company.

1990- Dennis discovered art talent. Schools stopped putting up an art show at the end of each year. It figures that they stopped just as he was finding that he was better than most people at drawing.

*1991- Uncle Pete died. He was the only family member that had the same haircut as Dennis. Dennis was devastated. Cusin Karen got married.

1992- At the end of the hear he started going to Skatetown U.S.A. Roller skating became h is favorite pastime, taking the place of art.

*1993- Met best friend Jeremy LaCivita. He was Dennis' skating buddy. In the summer they spent every waking hour at the mall, when they weren't skating. Cousin Lisa died.

*1994- At the end of the summer Jeremy moved to New Jersey. Dennis spent the rest of the year mourning over his loss. Met Jayme Lynne Murray.

*1995- This was the year that most molded Dennis into who he is today. At the beginning of the year, he became good friends with Jayme. Jayme made Dennis realize that he couldn't stop his life because someone moved away. Jayme became his best friend and girlfriend. Jeremy came back up during the summer. This was the most confusing week experienced by Dennis. His dad was a big influence that week. At the end of this school year, Dennis went to Disney World for the second time. He had a blast.


1984- Dennis learned to ride a bicycle. His dad helped him, but was very frustrated. He would have Dennis on the bike and push him and let go. Dennis would just go into the mailbox or into the nearest bush. Although Dennis was having fun, his dad was getting frustrated. So they quit for the day. The next day Denni was riding his bike with the training wheels on like usual when he looked down and saw that there were no training wheels on there. His dad had said that he put them back on but he didn't How tricky.

1991- We skip over white a few years to four years ago. Dennis' cousin Karen was getting married and he had to look nice. But Dennis didn't have anything nice to wear. The only thing that he wore all the time was jeans and a t-shirt. So his mom, generously, went down cellar and found this cute nice outfit that was very old. But since Denni sdidn't grow any over the y ears, it still fit. So he wore that nice little outfit to the wedding. The wedding was nice. His mother cried, like she usually does when she goes to these types of occasions. His uncle Pete wasn't there. He asked his mother where he was, and she said that he was just sick and he couldn't go to the wedding. After the wedding was over and a couple of days later, Dennis found out, from his bog mouthed brother, that Uncle Pete was in the hospital for neglecting to care for a pnemonia case. He was deathly ill. During the usmme, Denni sand his family were camping at Peter's Pond. His mother heard from hi saunt that Uncle Pete was in a coma and he had been for about three months now. The next day he died. His funeral was very sad. He will be missed.

1993- The year before this, in December, Dennis started to go skating. He waent for about three months before he met people. One day he met this kid from his school that went skating all the time. He was considered a 'regular'. This kid, his name is Jeremy, was the coolest kid. He liked to draw and liked to skate. He was the best skater. He could skate backwards and spread eagle. That looked hard. He tried every way there was to skate. It was hard at first, but he got the hang of it. Soon, Dennis was considered a 'regular' too. He didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Every one in school didn't like rollerskating. They all thought that it was stupid. Dennis didn't care. Skating was the one place he could be and be totally free of problems. Dennis loved skating because it gave him exercise and relieved him of his stress. That was great.

1994- That summer Dennis had the gratest time. Hew as at the mall wither Jeremy almost every day. They were typical mall rats. They still went skating. At the endof that summer Jeremy found out that his dad got a job in New Jersey. He was moving. I hated it. We weren't friends for more than two years and he was moving. That crushed Dennis' heart. They promised each other that they would write all the time. And they did, for about three or four months. Dennis mourned about his loss and wrote Jeremyevery week. He longed for the summer to come so they could hang at the mall again.

1995- This was the year that most molded Dennis into who he is today. At the beginning of the year, he became good friends with a girl named Jayme. Jayme made Denni srealize that he couldn't stop his life because someone moved away. Jayme became his best friend and girlfriend. They had a hard time figuring out a date to celebrate an aniversery because they didn't go through that whole "will you go out with me?" routine. Around Valentine's Day, Dennis told her that he loved her. She was very happy and said that she had love him for about two months. He asked her how she knew and she just said, "I just knew". At the end of the school year Dennis went to Disney World for the second time. He had a blast. That week in Florida brought Jayme and Dennis very close. Everything was great with Dennis and his girlfriend until the week that Jeremy came back during the summer. This was the most confusing week experienced by Dennis. Jayme was mad at something that Jeremy said over the phone, and Jeremy was mad that Jayme was mad. To this day, Dennis doesn't fully understand what happened that week. His dad was a big influence that week. He said that Dennis has to assert myself with whatever he does. He compared Dennis to the Seinfeld Show. They all assert themselves all the time. So Denni swas supposed to be more like Kramer. When the week ended, things were back to normal.

For the beefed up version click here.
For the meaningless version click here.

I'm in a fog. And it's not a general fog that everyone's in. It's a huge cloud of fog that lingers around just me. I walk around everywhere and people can't see the fog. They can see right through it. The fog is so thick to me though. The cause of my fog is a single person. I was obsessed/in love with with this person. This person has her own cloud of fog. No one, including me, can see her fog. It's as invisible as mine is. We walk together, each in our own fog. Our clouds of fog are very similar. They're both very unhealthy. Like inhaling smoke weakening us with every breath we take. The fog around me comes directly from the fog around her. When she does something horrendous and unforgivable, I cannot see how bad it is because my eyes are blinded by the fog.
There was a time when I wasn't engulfed in fog. When I was in highschool, I had, and still have a best friend. he is my best friend because our standards and values coincide quite a bit. We have a lot in common. We used to go to a skating rink on the weekends to skate to great music and deal with the nasty people that went there. At the middle of my highschool career, my best friend moved far away. He is still my best friend to this day. We agreed to talk and visit all the time.

The fog arrived a little after he moved away. The cause of my fog entered my life when I was seeing as clear as ever. We walked side by side and eventually her clouds spawned a small puff around my head. As time went on, the then small puff grew and thickened. The girl beside me would pick at me and poke at me. The fog she put around my head made me blind to the bad. People around me, who saw clearly, would, from time to time, let me in on what I couldn't see. But because the fog distorted my view of things, I quickly threw away their opinions. I thought I knew that what I saw was right and everyone else was wrong.

My best friend came up to visit me at the end of my junior year. the cloud was more thick than ever. During his visit, the cause of my blindness became infuriated with the thought of me doing anything with anyone other than her. Instantly, she lashed out at me. And because I am surrounded by a fog, I believed what she was saying to me was right and justified. I believe I almost lost my best friend because of this. He was miserable, trying to get me to see clearly. But nothing could get me to see how bad she was. He went home and I continued my relationship with her.

During the beginning of the year 1996 and while I was living at college, my mother went in for back surgery. She needed to have this surgery because she had a sciatic nerve problem. There was a herniated disk that was pushing down on her sciatic nerve. so she had to have surgery to move her nerve out of the way.

At the beginning of the summer, my parents went to new hampshire as we had a huge camper at a campground up there. During the middle of the week, I was visiting the source of my fog(Jayme). At her house, I got a phone call. It was my father. He told me that, up in New Hampshire, my mother had had a stroke and was in the hospital. That was devastating to me. I sought comfort in Jayme and she gave me comfort but I could tell she was uncomfortable and not wanting to be hugging me. During that summer, my mom underwent some testing to figure out why she had the stroke. They figured out that she had a tumor in her heart. Pieces of the tumor were breaking off, traveling through her blood stream and getting lodged in her brain which caused the stroke. She now had to go in for open heart surgery. She was in the hospital for a while recovering but came home by the end of the summer.

I came home from school every weekend to see my family and do some laundry. One weekend, I was home and my parents were out in the living room watching tv. I was thirsty so I went to the kitchen to get something to drink. While I was out there, my father came out and was fixing himself a sandwich. From the living room, my mother asked my father if he could get her a glass of water. He got very annoyed and acted like he didn't want to, complaining about it. I thought that it was weird for him to act like that but, at the time, I didn't think anything of it. About the same general point in time, my mother was complaining to me about how my father would be on the computer late at night. And when she would go over to him to see what he was doing, he'd hide what he was doing and say that it was none of her buisiness. I thought that was very weird too and I started to question my father's actions.

This internet problem went through till about a week before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a great holiday. We all give thanks for the things we might take for granted. I took for granted that I had a loving, secure, full family. So I was very very thankful for that. That Thanksgiving, my father did not have the same idea. You see, my father, a week before Thanksgiving, left. He went away to some other state to live with his on-line mistress that he'd been talking to during my mother's visit at the hospital.

When I found this out, I was hysterical. I just could not believe that my perfect family was being broken. I needed to tell someone to let it out. So... I called Jayme... she was on the phone or had the phone off the hook cuz there was a busy signal. She liked to play games with me like that... pissed me off. So I called and I called and still busy... So, I had to talk to someone about this. So I called my great friend Sara. She's so great. Such a great nice person. i called her. She picked right up and I just let the flood gates open. I told her everything. Crying. Very upset. It was good to get it out. After I told Sara, I called Jayme again and she was home so I told her everything too.

Later that week or weekend, I went over Jayme's house to hang out. That's all we did ever. We sat at her house, and watched tv. She never wanted to come over my house, or my dorm, or anywhere else. So I was there, and she was acting kinda weird. So it got late and she got ready for bed. We were lying in bed together and we were just talking. She was being kinda cold. I wondered why. We talked some more. Then she started to get downright bitchy. Asking me if I really loved her and things like that... head games. They suck. So I asked her what was wrong. She started to tell me that she was talking to Sara the other day. Sara told Jayme that I had talked to her before I talked to Jayme about my father. She was really mad about this. You'd think that someone might be really understanding about this sort of thing because it's so serious and touches my heart so deeply. But nothing at all was more important than her. So SHE thought. So she was all pissed at me. She was saying things like, "You probably love Sara. You must love her because you told her before you told me. Why don't you go over there and marry her instead." And of course, me with my fog, I was worrying that Jayme was going to leave me and that I was going to lose the person that I loved the most in the whole world, the person that I put before my best friend, the person that I was there for during every single hardship that happened while we were together. I had to say things like, "Jayme. I love you. You are the only one for me. I don't wanna marry anyone else but you."

Quoth the Jayme:

"Is that what your father told your mother?"